The Anatomy Of The Medical School Gunner

This is my dad, Dick Gunnerson III. He made me what I am today. A Gunner!So...you want to be a gunner?

Many people have been begging me to share the secrets of the exclusive brotherhood who's rich history goes back to the dawn of man. It’s members include James Bond, The Most Interesting Man In The World, Donald Trump, Chuck Norris, all Ninjas, and of course, Stephen T. Colbert. By now you know that I am talking about The Gunners. Of course they exist in every field of study and every walk of life. Each one has its own breed; however, there is none more notorious, none more revered than The Medical School Gunner.

In fact, I decided to become a doctor because I heard that medical school is a place where gunners are respected and honored by the teachers. I knew it would allow the true gunner in me to blossom and thrive. Personally, I believe gunners are born; they are not made. When I was young, I did not always know I wanted to be a doctor, but I always new I wanted to be a gunner. Medical school was just the best way to express my gunner within.

Some have said that your potential as a gunner is inversely proportional to the number of friends you had growing up as a child. This makes complete sense. When you spend your days crushing life, you really don’t have time left over for friends, or even family for that matter. I guess the unimportant things in life just fall to the side. Follow these tips, and soon you’ll be on your way to doing just that. If I forgot any gunner tips, post a comment and let me know.

If you are sleeping more than 4 hours per night..stop it!

This will just make you weak. True, most doctors and scientists who study sleep will tell you that a lack of sleep will wreck your immune system, may make you depressed, and can even kill you; but they probably don’t know about the Gunner Shake. The Gunner Shake includes 1 cup of ice, 4-6 shots of espresso, 6-10 pills of Adderall ground to a powder, 5 raw eggs, 1/2 cup cheyenne pepper, a bunch of wheat grass, and a tiny squirt of epinephrine (no too much, just enough to give it some kick). All blended together for a tasty midnight snack, it will have you charging through the night, and in some cases, to the Emergency Room. Don’t worry! The pay off is all worth it!

Asking questions is not for learning; this is your chance to show everyone in class how much you know.

Frame all questions in such a way that helps everyone else see that you clearly understand the information on a higher level. The question may be slightly off topic or completely disconnected from the subject at hand but remember your education is the most important. Just to be clear, when I say education I mean grades. Remember, grades take precedent over understanding the material, friends, pets, and even little ol’ grandma...just get used to it!

Always minimize your study time when you are conversing with other classmates.

Lead with phrases like “I just can’t seem to focus,” or “I haven’t touched those biochem lectures.” This will lull them into studying less and open the door for you to destroy them even worse when the test comes! This will be simple for you if you are taking full advantage of The Gunner Shake.

Always sit in the front row. If it happens to be full, pull a chair out in front of the front row!

This will put you in the prime position to chat with the professors after lecture. It is the prime time to extract clues that will lead you to the type of questions that will be on the test. A simple, “Carbamoly phosphate, right? That would make a great test question. Am I right?” Priceless hints like this will add yet another boost to your grades and cement your position as a Gunner!

These four simple principles should propel you through the first 2 years of medical school. It’s true the last two are a whole different ball game, but I will have more on that soon. If you can’t wait, you can check out my post on Crushing Wards for a start.

Crushing Wards: Becoming The #1 Chart Jockey

I must begin this post with a small disclaimer: I am not responsible for the level of awesome you will attain with the tips presented below.

Even though my medical school went paperless years ago, I am still regarded as an expert on this subject and can help you understand how to become the best Chart Jockey your medical school has seen...ever! If you think I am exaggerating, check my bio, and everything will begin to make sense.

“What is a Chart Jockey?” you ask. Well, imagine a group of race hoses thundering down a freshly groomed race track, with piles of mud flying in every direction as they pass. At the front of the group, one horse and rider have broken free from the pack. This jockey is the one jockey who will rise to the top and distinguish himself from the rest.

Now think of a group of bumbling medical students walking onto a hospital ward during rounds. They too are all headed toward the same goal, focused on one single purpose, grabbing the chart! However, only one will succeed; only one will become the person who can hand it to the attending physician, at just the right time. And in so doing, only one will pull ahead of the pack. That is the essence of chart jockeying. Some have said, that becoming a great Chart Jockey is one of the best things you can do as a medical student.

Here are five top chart jockey tips. Follow them and you will definatilly be on your way to the top!

1: Practice the art of speed walking without looking like you are about to crap your pants.

The idea is to be fast but don’t look fast. By doing this you, will get a jump on your team as they enter a new ward on rounds.

2: When you walk on the ward, it’s important to keep your head on a swivel.

Take a quick survey of the room, noting the “areas of chart concentration.” This step is important if you want to get the jump on the competition.

3: Never trust a nurse!

If you see a nurse drinking a cup of coffee, using a chart as a coster, I can guarantee it is the one you need.

4: Hiding a classmates chart never hurt anybody.

Going by the ward early and slipping the chart of a classmate’s patient into some inconspicuous location is always a great tactic. Under the crash cart or behind a trash can are my places of choice.

5: Be seen, and heard.

Make sure the right people observe your greatness. Remember, seeing how hard you work is almost as important as them hearing you talk about how hard you work!

I hope this really helps some of you elevate yourself beyond your classmates. Always remember, it’s not always about making yourself look good. Sometimes all it takes is for you to make your classmates look bad.